The greatest of these ….

Fear skews everything. Our perception of what was, is and what to do next. Who to trust, what to say and what to think. To the degree we self harm in the very process of trying to help ourselves. There’s a verse in the New Testament where the apostle Paul states, Without the Holy Spirit, I do the bad things I don’t want to, and don’t do the good things I do want to. Fear does this. It clouds your inner ability to see things clearly and act appropriately.

My fear demon is currently riding my long term pain condition. I have had a couple of reminders that I am not in perfect shape lately, and that ratbag is happy to remind me what it was like to be mostly bedridden, and unable to walk up stairs. Extreme? Yes. Effective? Perfectly. He knows me well. Whilst I don’t believe in any imminent incapacitation, the memories and emotions from that time in my life are enough to keep me from fully enjoying the now and seeing life as it really is.

When the pain set in recently, I automatically reverted to thinking about having to stop this and that and how that will redefine me. Not again, I’ve done my bit of suffering, it’s my time to be free. Cerebrally I know this is stupid. I know I am not my body, my work, my participation in events, and I am not my physical pain. Emotionally though it’s both distressing and possibly a little tempting at the same time. Part of me is used to being ‘sick’. I got the attention of doctors which I ‘deserved’, otherwise I had no support. They valued my condition, and therefore me.

I am also tempted to ignore the situation, to ‘protect’ myself from any association with specialists and tests. So that I am not ‘that person’ again. That’s the self harm bit. Head in the sand.

I fell for this so easily, because cerebral belief is not enough, particularly along old familiar tracks. Your heart is the foundation of your true beliefs. And often you think you have enough faith, when in fact you have knowledge or thoughts. When tailored fears come knocking, it’s not enough. You believe what you believe, because it’s in your heart. You do what you do, because it’s in your heart. Simple.

Today I spent more than half my waking hours in guided meditation. I feel better and am breathing deeply again. I haven’t thought about my pain negatively today at all. I collected acorns from under an old Oak Tree, to remind me of how strong and deep the love within me is, and that it is more than enough to overcome my fears.

So to my heart, to open up myself to love. To fill myself with faith and know in my deepest being who I really am. To see from my heart the fears and the memories, and to overcome them with truth and therefore love. Thoughts will dissapate, memories will heal, and that ratbag will have no horse to ride.

Again, and again, love is the answer.

2 comments on “The greatest of these ….

  1. Brendan says:

    Good one Neri. Rich rewards are certain to come from such commitment to practice – maybe one day you’ll even be grateful for the challenges given you on which you are refining your heart.

  2. Graeme says:

    Wow, Neri, you are an inspiration. Thanks for playing such a powerful part in my own spiritual renaissance.

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